Welcome to Cultoween! We’ve taken a few Halloween years off but we felt it was high time we got back into the spirit of the holiday. Since there are a finite number of Halloween-themed movies, it’s always hard to come up with a specific topic or series of films to cover. For this year’s festivities, we are using this Random Movie Generator to suggest movies to watch for our Halloween season, and then we’re going to let you know if they’re worth watching, how Halloweenie they are, and anything else we think you should know. Effectively we are putting in no values except the movie must be horror, and if we’ve already covered it we’re throwing it back. We hope you enjoy the coverage and stick with us throughout the season!
The 2010s were a different time for horror movies. Surprisingly I never got around to seeing Piranha 3D, which means I didn’t get to experience the majesty of seeing this boobs and blood film on the big screen in glorious 3D. However, this remake in idea alone of the original Piranha finds Alexandre Aja reveling in copious amounts of booty, boobies, and an absolutely over-the-top ridiculous gore sequence featuring Eli Roth in a wet T-shirt contest (hosting, not participating). Oh yeah, there are ancient piranhas too.
No one is going to mistake Piranha 3D for a traditionally “good” movie. In fact, it’s got a rocky start, setting up an outlandish premise of a lake rift that opens to allow ancient prehistoric piranhas to escape and reak havoc on a coastal town celebrating Spring Break. Aja is obviously having fun with the crazy premise, and much of the film runs wild showcasing a number of porn stars in the nude, whether that be partying on boat tops, shooting softcore videos, or parasailing with their massive knockers hanging out.
If you like your movies big and booby, then Piranha 3D is definitely for you, though the opening third left a lot to be desired in terms of storytelling ability. It’s only when we get to the massive massacre at Spring Break that Aja is able to turn things around a bit. This bonkers display of gratuitous gore and nauseatingly brutal violence ratchets everything up considerably, with the gore effects from Nicotero and crew significantly improving the experience, especially due to the fact that the CGI piranhas themselves look pretty unrealistic. The wanton display of mean-spirited death and destruction is certainly something to behold in this elongated sequence eventually ending with Jerry O’Connell proclaiming that his dick was eaten off (no less the entirety below his navel).
With that said, the rest of the film ain’t really worth much, with a tepid conclusion that rushes things along with a brief conclusion where an explosion kills all (!?) the piranhas until a weirdly-cast Christopher Lloyd tells us those were just the babies. I’m sure this movie was fun to see in theaters and probably for the teen or 20-something market it had its merits due to the bountiful display, but for those looking for more meat on the bone, Piranha 3D is sadly just a bloody shredded stump.
Gonna say No to this one. Spring Break, boating, and various tanned bodies don’t equate to Halloween for me, nor do creature features in general.
Skip it (Halloween) or watch it (horny).
If you’re looking for something to watch for Halloween, I don’t think Piranha 3D will fill that niche. However, if you’re looking for nudity, then this one has a lot of it.
