E) Crawl through bodily fluids into the log like Luke inside the Tauntaun.

Choice 4

You decide that you can stomach the semen – again – and crawl into the inside of the hollow log. It’s snug and again you think about the diet that you constantly keep restarting, but you’re not going to worry about that right now. You’re covered in blood and there’s either a nipple or a piece of pepperoni stuck to your arm, but you’re able to calm yourself into keeping quiet. The giant chasing you comes inches from stepping on the log and obliterating your skull – he definitely needs to work on his gait – but he doesn’t notice you in the log. You can see him looking around the woods like a confused puppy, tilting his head to the side in an attempt to think. He’s wearing a hockey mask and carrying a bow and arrow and you’re really questioning his wardrobe choices because he just does not match.

Eventually, he stalks off in a different direction, leaving you to again crawl through a bunch of sex juices to your freedom. That guy’s dumb, you think. You easily tricked him by hiding in a fucking log. Then an arrow torpedoes into a tree next to you; the hockey-masked guy has been hiding out of eyesight the whole time, just waiting for you to exit your hiding spot. You hitch up your pants and begin running again; I mean, he can’t be that great at archery AND axe throwing, you think.

An arrow punctures directly through your back, into your left lung, before partially exiting your chest. Nope, he is that good, a regular champion outdoorsman. You’ve definitely underestimated his skill, but he’s underestimated your endurance. You continue pushing forward, running two feet before collapsing on the ground. That’s probably far enough, you think.

The hockey mask appears above you, staring down at you with dead eyes and no expression. You can’t look around or move because you’ve always been a wuss when it comes to pain, but you think you can hear the quiet whisper of a woman’s voice. “Kill him,” you can make out. From out of nowhere the masked man has pulled out a large axe, and he props you up on a tree trunk, presumably making it easier to hack you to pieces. Definitely an outdoorsman.

Right before Jason plants the axe in your face, you hear the woman’s whisper again. “Mommy loves you, Jason!” And you notice a small bulge growing in the crotch of the man’s pants. He’s large everywhere.