E) Stay and help Dave get away, even if you have to leave the eyeball behind.

Choice 4

The hockey-masked man is coming with his machete, and he really does not look happy. Dave’s still crawling on the ground, but he elicits a faint, “I got it!” as he manages to reclaim his missing eyeball. That’s your cue – it’s time to go. You miraculously find the strength to pull Dave to his feet, and you both run in the opposite direction of the redhead. Hopefully the masked man goes after her first.

Dave slows down, though, and begins to turn around. “What am I doing?” he says out loud. “I didn’t work on this physique for nothing!” He plants himself in the ground and begins a tackling run at the masked man with the machete. It’s certainly perfect form – he’s got his head tucked down, shoulders out, legs doing all of the work. It also propels him perfectly into the awaiting machete blade, slicing clean through the top half of his head. It looks like it would hurt if Dave’s brain wasn’t immediately severed from his spinal column.

This is very bad, though. You stayed to help Dave and now Dave basically committed suicide, leaving you to tango with the hulking form pursuing you. Quickly, your life flashes before your eyes. You’ve heard that this happens, a way for your mind to prepare yourself for the end by recognizing all of the good that happened in your life. Bad news, though: your life’s been total shit, which is why you volunteered to go to a goddam dance camp. You flop onto your knees and decide to beg for mercy, or maybe suck dick if you have to.

The hockey-masked man stops in front of you; he reaches out and grabs your sweater. You picked it up at Old Navy on clearance; it was vintage, and you thought it looked pretty comfortable and went with your short, close-cropped hair. Now that this masked murderer also appreciates it, you know you made the right choice even though most of your friends and family refused to be seen with you in public while wearing it.

The hockey-masked man picks you up and throws you over his shoulder; my is he beefy! Over the course of the next thirty minutes, the man King Kongs you through the woods to his hidden cabin. It’s not in great shape, but it’s something you could see Pinterest calling “rustic.” You begin to resign yourself to the fact that it’s your final resting place. However, the killer seems to have lost his interest in murdering you. Instead, he seems to be worshiping you. He gently sets you down and begins to kneel.

You feel like royalty, and that’s probably the only time you’ve ever been treated so regally. You enter the cabin to the sight of a severed female head that kind of looks like you, except, you know, a bit less ugly than your own visage. Despite the fact that you don’t really love rustic, this seems like a place you could stay… forever.