Wow you really are tired, and this girl’s a goddam cannonball. You can barely make her out in the distance, the only thing cuing you to her location being the red hair that practically burns your eyes. You see the hockey-masked man burst from a bunch of overgrowth right next to the redhead; how in the hell did he get up there that fast? And how many fucking Olympic athletes were invited to this damn camp?

Whatever, though – tough luck for the redhead, but good luck for you. You see the masked man drag the redhead by the hair (noting how strong and keratinous her scalp is) to a blazing camp fire. Apparently not a fan of redheads, the killer plunges her head directly into the flames, making her burnt auburn hair now just… burnt. You can hear her screams, and you can’t really do anything about it. And strangely you’re getting hungry, which seems like something you might need to work out with a therapist.

Once the screams subside, the masked man turns his attention to you. You realize that you completely froze, too caught up in the bad pun this murderer created with a redhead’s hair on fire. Now he begins to pursue you, and before you can even move he’s already grabbed you by the shoulder. He begins to pick you up, and you’re astonished by his strength; we’ve already talked about your need to diet, haven’t we? He holds you outstretched by the shoulders and legs and you realize you’re in the accordion position; just before your feet meet your forehead for the first time, you imagine yourself letting out the shrill sound of a hand organ accompanying the annoying singing of John Candy.